I don't have a good memory, I have systems

This morning, my daughter forgot to do something.

And, as mums do, I found myself asking:

“How do you think I keep track of everyone in this house and everything that is going on?”

Her answer?

“You just have a good memory.”

I laughed.

Because while I do think I have a reasonably good memory, that is definitely not how I manage to keep track of everything.

I forget things.

I double-book myself.

I have turned up on the wrong day before.

I have forgotten appointments.

I have occasionally thought something was happening on one day when it was actually happening on another.

I am human.

The difference is that I have learnt not to rely solely on my memory.

I have systems.

There is a family calendar on the wall.

I have reminders in my phone.

I have a personal diary where I write down what is happening for everyone in our household.

I make lists.

I set alarms.

I check things.

And sometimes, despite all of that, I still get it wrong!

Because that's life.

But what I don't want my daughter to learn is:

“I'm just forgetful.”

Because I hear that phrase a lot.

“I forgot because I'm forgetful.”

Well, maybe you are.

But what are you going to do about it?

That is the part I want to teach her.

She is 12 now, and I am slowly trying to hand more responsibility back to her.

Not because I don't want to help her.

Quite the opposite.

I want to help her learn how to help herself.

As she gets older, particularly when she starts high school, there will be more things she needs to remember. More commitments. More deadlines. More responsibilities. More opportunities to forget something!

And I don't want to suddenly expect her to know how to manage all of that.

I want to start teaching her now.

Use your phone.

Set a reminder.

Write it in your diary.

Put it on the family calendar.

Make a list.

Check it the night before.

Take responsibility for your own commitments.

And yes, sometimes you'll still forget.

That's okay.

Forgetting something doesn't make you a failure.

Making a mistake doesn't make you irresponsible.

But repeatedly using “I'm forgetful” as the reason not to take responsibility is something different.

And this is one of the reasons I love the principles behind Teaching Personal and Social Responsibility (TPSR).

It isn't about telling children what to do.

It's about helping them develop the skills, awareness and ownership to take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

We can't control everything that happens in our lives.

We can't guarantee we'll never forget anything.

But we can control what systems we put in place to support ourselves.

And isn't that something we all need to learn?

As adults, we often expect children to suddenly become responsible.

But responsibility isn't a switch that gets flicked when they turn 16 or 18.

It is something we can practise.

A little bit at a time.

Give them something to be responsible for.

Let them make mistakes.

Let them experience the consequences.

Help them work out what they could do differently next time.

And then give them another opportunity.

Because ultimately, I don't want to raise a child who thinks:

“Mum will remember.”

I want to raise someone who thinks:

“This is my responsibility. What do I need to do to make sure I remember?”

And perhaps that's a lesson for us adults too.

Because maybe the answer isn't that we have a terrible memory.

Maybe we just need better systems.

And maybe taking responsibility isn't about getting everything right.

Maybe it's about recognising that we have some ownership over what happens next.